Friday, September 17, 2010

Elizabeth Warren: Why I Took the Job [Even though many think I am clueless about finance]

Below is the statement issued by the White House on behalf of Elizabeth Warren. The statement is somewhat choppy, so in brackets I have added to the statement to make it more easily understood.

Over the past several weeks, the president and I have had extensive conversations about the vital importance of consumer financial protection. [The votes that can be bought off by harassing pay day loan offices, alone, and making loans directly to the deadbeats at rates lower than even George Soros can get is quite exciting. The president, and even Michelle despite the fact that demands on  the first lady are pure hell, are excited by all this]

The president asked me, and I enthusiastically agreed, to serve as an Assistant to the President and Special Advisor to the Secretary of the Treasury on the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. [In fact, I was so enthusiastic about getting this position that I campaigned for it like no one else ever has for a government agency position. I manged to get myself fawned over in an interview at WaPo. I got my friend Terry O'Neill at the National Organization of Women to blast that dork Geithner as a sexist for opposing my nomination. And I had a rap video put out about myself to soften the attitudes about me, within the rap crowd]   He has also asked me to take on the job to get the new CFPB started -- right now. The president and I are committed to the same vision on CFPB, and I am confident that I will have the tools I need to get the job done. [That is his Kenyan anti-colonial world view and my ivory tower frustrated bitch world view dovetail nicely.]

President Obama understands the importance of leveling the playing field again for families and creating protections that work not just for the wealthy or connected, but for every American [Face it were both commies and we want to level everything, except the finer things the President and I will need to relieve the stress of leveling the playing field for everyone else]. The new consumer bureau is based on a pretty simple idea [banks should just give away everything] : People ought to be able to read their credit card and mortgage contracts and know the deal [is how I am going to promote my entire takeover of the consumer financial sector]. They shouldn't learn about an unfair rule or practice only when it bites them [Never mind that Obama and I used every loophole and stretch of legalese necessary to get me this position through backdoor advisory positions at Treasury and with the President--- taking advantage of loopholes and legalese is only for me and the president, not bankers] -- way too late for them to do anything about it. The new law creates a chance to put a tough cop on the beat and provide real accountability and oversight of the consumer credit market. [That is, I'm going to be a real bitch and I have headline making regulations planned. The media will love me.] The time for hiding tricks and traps in the fine print is over [The tricks will be all mine. You ain't seen nothing yet, the rap video and the WaPo interview were nothing]. This new bureau is based on the simple idea that if the playing field is level and families can see what's going on, they will have better tools to make better choices. [Although there won't be much left after I'm done, to choose from]

If the CFPB can succeed at leveling the playing field, we can go a long way toward repairing a gaping hole in the budgets of millions of families. But nobody has ever thought or argued that the consumer bureau can fix everything. Lost jobs, stagnant incomes, rising costs for college, dwindling retirement savings -- there's a lot of work to be done. [And I plan to stick my nose wherever I can]

[Here's a bit of homespun nonsense to keep the masses from paying attention to what I am really doing, which is consolidating power for the government over the entire financial sector]

When she was 16, my grandmother, Hannie Reed, drove a wagon in the Oklahoma land rush. Her mother had died, so she was up front with her little brothers and sisters bouncing around in the back. When I was growing up, she talked about life on the prairie, about marrying my grandfather and making a living building one-room schoolhouses, about getting wiped out in the Great Depression. She was hit with hard challenges throughout her life, but the moral of her stories was always the same: she would solve her problems one at a time by pulling up her socks and getting to work. [That's why I, whenever I can, still wear socks]

It's time for all of us to pull up our socks and get to work [but please don't use your minds and think any of this out. Gotta go, I have commissioned a top artist to do my official CFPB portrait. I'm thinking long term and I hope we can cooperate with other agencies so, yes, I will allow this portrait to be used on any future stamp the USPS may decide to issue of my likeness. ]


  1. Wenzel,

    This woman really thinks she is going to single-handedly bring millions of indebted Americans out of poverty through nothing but sheer willpower and regulatory tenacity. Frightening level of self-delusion.

  2. Ahhh... The arrogance of hubris. Or the other way around, I forget. Bankers did (and still do) bad things. Politicians did (and still do) bad things. Economic zealots in positions of authority, though, are the worst.

  3. Mr. Wenzel I have to say you have really outdone yourself this time. You are a brilliant interpreter of Newspeak. :)