Monday, April 1, 2013

To (All) the Colleges That Rejected Me

By Suzy Lee Weiss

Like me, millions of high-school seniors with sour grapes are asking themselves this week how they failed to get into the colleges of their dreams. It's simple: For years, they—we—were lied to.

Colleges tell you, "Just be yourself." That is great advice, as long as yourself has nine extracurriculars, six leadership positions, three varsity sports, killer SAT scores and two moms. Then by all means, be yourself! If you work at a local pizza shop and are the slowest person on the cross-country team, consider taking your business elsewhere.

What could I have done differently over the past years?

For starters, had I known two years ago what I know now, I would have gladly worn a headdress to school. Show me to any closet, and I would've happily come out of it. "Diversity!" I offer about as much diversity as a saltine cracker. If it were up to me, I would've been any of the diversities: Navajo, Pacific Islander, anything. Sen. Elizabeth Warren, I salute you and your 1/32 Cherokee heritage.

I also probably should have started a fake charity. Providing veterinary services for homeless people's pets. Collecting donations for the underprivileged chimpanzees of the Congo. Raising awareness for Chapped-Lips-in-the-Winter Syndrome. Fun-runs, dance-a-thons, bake sales—as long as you're using someone else's misfortunes to try to propel yourself into the Ivy League, you're golden.

Having a tiger mom helps, too. As the youngest of four daughters, I noticed long ago that my parents gave up on parenting me. It has been great in certain ways: Instead of "Be home by 11," it's "Don't wake us up when you come through the door, we're trying to sleep." 

Read the rest here.

(ht Felix Bronstein)


  1. Sounds like the author couldn't get into Princeton and had to settle for Rutgers.

    I'd suspect sh studied art history, only took a bachelor's degree, and has no marketable skills regardless.

  2. She'd be better off going to a comunity college for two years to get the basic studies requirements out of the way (cheaper and with easier grading), then transferring to a four year college. Better yet, get an engineering degree from anywhere.

    Your college and your grades do not matter after your first job.

  3. Main idea of that article? Be lazy and blame those who aren't when you don't get what you want.

  4. Pretty sure it was satire you guys.