Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Baseball Opening Day As A National Holiday?...No Thanks!

By, Chris Rossini

Apparently Budweiser and Hall of Fame shortstop Ozzie Smith are supporting a White House petition to make Major League Baseball's Opening Day a national holiday.

What a horrible idea.

Do we not suffer through enough government/military propaganda in major league sports (with the NFL being the absolute worst)?

Let's say something like this catches on, and is actually considered. What is the government going to want in return? What's in it for them? What would be their angle?

So, to save the bureaucrats some time, I've come up with some ideas. In return for making Opening Day a national holiday, the government could demand the following:
  • Each week, a different Presidential bobblehead is given out for FREE to all children 10 and under. Kids can collect them all!
  • The first pitch at each game must be thrown by a member of the military.
  • The shape of Home Plate must be changed to be the shape of The White House.
  • All concession stands must serve Michael Bloomberg's pre-approved foods and beverages. Beer will still be served, but in no larger than 10 oz. cups, and no more than 2 per person.
  • All baseball umpires shall wear the following uniforms (gloves included):

  • The 7th Inning Stretch has to change. Just standing up is no longer acceptable. Instead, the stadium jumbotron must play a video where all fans must do a "Let's Move" routine with Michelle Obama: 

  • One game must be designated as "Camouflage Day" where all fans are encouraged to wear Army fatigues...(face paint is optional).
  • If a team is losing by 10 runs or more, they are automatically awarded 5 runs in an effort to promote "score equality".
  • All bathrooms must loop the song "God Bless America".
  • Outside of every gate at the stadium, there must be a U.S. military booth where all young kids can sign-up right away to join the Army of One.
  • As fans drive through the parking lot gates to go home, a bright neon sign sends them off which reads: "Freedom Isn't Free".
Let's play ball!!

Chris Rossini is on TwitterFacebook & Google+


  1. You're really honing your Art, Chris. Keep it up!

  2. Each day of the week a different branch of the military could hand out bibles to help conflate the following; militarism, christianity, sports heros, and the eventuality of happy endings at sports arenas. Why America already has The Policemen's Bible, The Military Bible, The Soldier's Bible, The Seamen's Bible, The Marine's Bible, The Airmen's Bible, The Special Force's Bible, and The Military Wive's Bible. These bibles, camouflage knick-knacks, and associated propaganda could easily be handed out as the spectators exit the body scanners before entering the stadium.

    Robert, can't you just smell the opportunity to forcibly inject fascism deeper into the marrow of America's pastime?